Joelle and the Oreo

This is my first production! I'm so freaking excited. About to chop up everything I can find...

Bumps In The Road

Ah... I'm going to try to post more.  Once a week sounds like a good amount, but I'll try to do more.  I feel pretty blessed, and as a writer (yay!) the best way to become better is to write.  Use your instrument.

I was pretty excited the other day when singlemomweekly.com contacted me.  See, each ripple in the pond creates a bigger ripple, and I appreciate that, but it got me thinking as I do about the bumps in the road.  Every bump can stop you, but if you push through it, there is that other side that can give you some momentum.  It's like that for runners who have to take a hill at the beginning of a run and then coast down the other side.  Everything we do is like that.  We just have to make it through the grueling parts and just that one tweet from April at Single Mom Weekly has me moving a little better this week.

That's where my life is now.  And just like it is the darkest before the dawn...the bottom of those bumps are easy.  It's when you get to the top and can see that you might make it that your body, mind and spirit get weak and you think, "I can't," but "I CAN" and am.  This is probably my worst bump yet, and I need that momentum, but I'm getting stronger every day.  Of course, I want to be one of those people that doesn't have regrets, but I do.  I wish I had built my muscles that are impervious to pain and failure a lot sooner.  I've come back from zero so many times before, but never did I have another person's welfare intwined with my success schedule.  They say the first five years of a child's life is so important. I wish that I could lavish her for the first five before she's bogged down by school and such.  But on the other side I'm so proud that she can tell people, "My Mommy worked with me pulling on her breasts 90% of the time."  That would be cool if kids talked that way :-)

Anyway.  I'm just glad that I've made a small impact and thanks to April Storm at SingleMomWeekly for reaching out to me.  It is definitely part of the light I see at the very very very far end of the tunnel.  I don't consider myself a single mom, but I'll give you guys a glimpse of why and how I'm coming to terms of that in my next post.

Seeing Your Dreams

Heat.

I weigh X amount of pounds.

Move.

Those were three things I had on my dream board about eight years ago.  I can't remember what my goal weight was at that time, but I can say that now I'm proudly 160.  That's two pounds lighter than when I got pregnant a few years ago and from what I hear that's an amazing feat.

My dream board seems pretty simple.  It's easy to get heat, I don't remember being too far from my goal weight, and moving wasn't a biggie since I didn't have a lease to break, but there were challenges in all of them.

I moved to NYC and was pretty fortunate to find my apartment.  I'll get into that in another post, but where I lived was basically a huge loft in Newark.  I was a squatter.  The building was all but abandoned and we had to actually live without permanent beds because any sign of a raid and things had to look like a business.  I had tons and tons of space and huge windows encompassing almost a whole wall.  That's a lot of heat!  My landlords/roommates tried putting plastic on the windows, but that was like putting a bandaid on ...  well, on the windows.  They gave me a space heater and I used to build forts over it to heat myself.  Of course, if I wanted to use any of the other space I had to run there, grab what I needed, and hoof it back to the fort.  And I lived this way for a couple of winters until I met a new male friend who told me he wasn't to return until I had heat!  That's when heat hit the board.  I eventually got what I wanted, but my landlords who could control the heat would turn it off at night which...once you have warmth, waking up without it would be such a bummer.

So the heat war actually led to me moving.  I moved down two floors to another space.  Since we were squatters I eventually had to leave the building altogether, and that spacious loft that at times I only paid $250/month is now selling for half a mill.  Yeah.  Once I left that building I got the kind of spot I wanted with extra space just for my aforementioned male friend's children to spend the night.  I stayed there for eight months and spent the night there three times.  I never even bothered to turn on the electric in that place.

The weight I lost, too, but I don't remember how that came to be either.  Look at how I worded the goal though.  It has to be clear, concise, and present tense.  As if you already ARE the thing.  Your subconscious mind doesn't know the difference.  This post is about dreams and I just remember that I completed each of those and that might have been one of the most memorable times I wrote what I wanted down so that I could see it and then went and got it.

Present day:  I was just looking at my daughter and realized that was a dream that lead to another dream. I never wrote down specifically that I wanted a child, but I definitely tried my best to get one.  And now that I have her it lead to me becoming a published writer.  If I wasn't a mother the conversation of "motherhood" would have never resonated with me.  I'm actually living my dream AND this April I'm going to Disney World (do you remember those commercials?)

Wow.  How crazy is it that I taped that commercial while I was pregnant!  Just realized that as I pondered whether to use Eli's old one (Go, Giants!) or to use the one that directed you to oh, so many Joelle videos.

So now I'm thinking about what else is going on my next dream board.  I'm definitely going to dream bigger.  My dreams are coming true, and I know it has to do with putting them down on paper and making strides to realize them.  That's Positive Change EVERY day!

Give and it shall be given to you, good measure, pressed down shaken together and running over shall men give into your bosom. And with the same measure you give it shall be given to you. Luke 6:38

While My Crabcake Fries

Yes, I'm making a Philips crabcake from Costcos and while I was replying to a friend I realized I'm stuck in the same rut I always didn't want to be in.  We were talking about Elmo and I remarked how he does the same thing all the time.  And I realized I'm being creative the same way every day.  The one thing I never liked about the poetry world has come back to haunt me...only this time I LOVE IT!  I learned my lesson.  I wasn't ready then.  Everything is a formula.  If it works, why not stick with it?  There are certain things I do on a regular basis that I am very loathe to change.  If someone wants to watch you, pay for you, or is entertained by you doing the same thing all the time why really change it?  At some point you can sneak something different in as long as you make it look the same.

I've watched plenty careers over the last twelve non poetic years.  Janet Jackson will be singing about "Control" the rest of her life and she has control, too.  She can stop singing that song if she wants, but we all know that is NOT going to bring in the money.

Ain't it funny what we learn, how we learn, and when that ish is gonna kick you in the butt???

As a little side note:  I always wanted one of those "routine children."  You know the ones that if you are at the circus and it's their bedtime they fall asleep with an elephant blaring in their ear?  LOL  So I know I was never reluctant to routines.  I just had to find out at the right time :-)

Exactly What I'm Doing

Oh, Boy!  I'm blogging while at a twitter party!

Well, I know a lot of people are seeing on my page a lot of postings for other people.  I'm now an assistant to Rene Syler AKA Good Enough Mother.  She's a mother and a blogger among about ten million other things.  In her infinite wisdom she has introduced me to some great women who also blog.  They support great causes, too.  So if you are someone who is truly my friend you will understand that these days I'm singing for my supper AND loving the song.  I am using FB to promote everyone and everything that I can so that I can live my dreams.  I am not being bought.  I really enjoy everything I do and completely believe in these women and their blogs.

Just wanted my people to know what was up with me.  I'll post more later, but for now I have to get back to my parties!

Living the Dream

Wow!  I get to live the dream!

What happened:  I was watching TV one day basically on a humbug to make sure this show I thought would fail was as bad as I thought it would be.  The show is "Father Albert" and it was a good show, but it didn't have the drama content to withstand daytime TV.  Anyway...during this RANDOM show watching there is a guest panelist, Rene Syler.  Her claim to fame?  She wrote "Good Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting."  Well, she's famous for a bunch of other stuff, but initially this is all I knew about her.  So after her show I went to her website, FB friended her, and eventually asked this woman to mentor me.

What happened next:  After a few emails back and forth, Rene apologized profusely for not being able to get back to me and also told me that she didn't know if she could be my mentor.  No problem.  I was just sticking my neck out.  Like I said, I wasn't too familiar with her story (which can be found at http://www.goodenoughmother.com/about) so I didn't know how cool and accomplished this woman really is.

Then what?:  Well, I suggested to Rene that since I was free/unemployed that she let me help her.  I needed the job credit for my resume and she needed help.  After several other emails back and forth (she said she didn't want to insult my intelligence re: my experience and the basic level of help she needed) I convinced her to let me on Team Good Enough!   If only I could have this kind of conversation with all the other people I would like to employ me.

The takeaways:  Yay!  First of all I'm so happy to be doing any work again.  Yes, I work all day every day.  There's getting up, getting the kids out of the house, shuttling Joelle to daycare, CLEANING, cooking, cleaning the dishes, errands, you know...stuff.  God said be faithful over few things and He will make us ruler over many.  I take these few hours of "real" work a week seriously.

Next, as I came home to complete my first exciting tasks, I realized I didn't even put a bra on today.  Working from home ROCKS!  And one of the cutest memories ever is Joelle coming around the corner looking for her mommy.  She needed attention at 6am and is not used to the computer getting too much of it.  Also, I can still complete all the other stuff for the household and work around my schedule even though I'd like to be as prompt with Rene's correspondence as possible.

What else?  Rene is a writer!  I came to NYC to be a writer.  I feel like an actress with a waitress job.  LOL  It's akin to that.  I feel like somehow, someway I have made A move...ANY move in the direction I've felt my heart tugging me towards for years.  Every since I became unemployed I've wanted to be my own boss.  I know I can do it...just didn't know how it would come to be.  And I'm not saying I'm using anyone or anything, but aren't we supposed to feel a vibe, an energy when something is just right and for us?


The last thing is I sold myself!  Every book I have ever read on success suggests that you should be able to sell things because if you learn that you can sell yourself or your product.   I wasn't ashamed or afraid of looking stupid.  Usually I am, but this time it really did feel completely right.

Oh, and the last last thing...I followed my intuition.  We all have it and all know of times when it told us to do something, but didn't follow it with disastrous results.  This time I'm all in with the intuition.  I don't know where this ride is going to take me, but I do know that I have great faith that I'm on my way.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step, and for now I'll take the smallest of steps and be grateful for them because I KNOW big things are just around that corner!


Matt 25:23  "His master replied, 'Good job! You're a good and faithful servant! You proved that you could be trusted with a small amount. I will put you in charge of a large amount. Come and share your master's happiness.'"

Pay Yourself Forward

I'm cooking myself breakfast and I always have a great day when I do that.  Why?  Because I LOVE when I do a little something for myself that I never do.  I always cook for my family and even when friends come over I'm in the kitchen, but it's so few and far between that I sit down and plan a meal for MYSELF.  Most mothers don't.  Hell.  Most single people don't.  We just eat whatever is around and take very little thought to our health and enjoyment.  We spend time making little menus for the kids.  We check with our significant others on their preferences.  And the thing we do for ourselves is basically, "Can I cook chicken again?"  We just make it interesting for us to cook, but never really throw our input into the dining experience.

So today I was feeling really good about breakfast and I wondered, "why?"  It's because I was doing something for me, and I realize now that I need to do more of that.  I don't have to go overboard, but I do need to be more consistent and forgiving.  It's like we feel we don't deserve to give the same to ourselves.  I've bought so much for other people.  I've given selflessly to charities.  Doesn't charity start at home?  Isn't there some axiom that states in part the more you give the more you get?  Who says you have to "get" it from someone else?

Hopefully, I understand everything I just said and start paying myself forward, and hopefully you do, too.